When you’re expecting your first child, or even thinking about “pulling the goalie”, I don’t think anybody can ever properly prepare you for the literal shit storm that awaits you. Sure, people warn you about the sleepless nights, the colic, and continuously tell you about how your life is about to change forever. But they don’t tell you how your life is about to get a lot more disgusting, and more importantly, how you won’t give a crap.
Here are 10 gross things you’ll do as a new mom:
1. Smell your baby’s butt…all the time
You’ll do this like it is the most normal thing in the world, until you’re around people without kids and they look at you like you’re crazy. You and your partner may even place bets on whether the baby has pooped…keeps things interesting.
2. Poop while holding your baby
If you wear your baby in a carrier, you WILL poop while wearing them. If you’re not into baby wearing, you WILL poop with them on your lap. Germaphobe? You WILL poop with them at least in the bathroom with you. Babies are needy + parents poop…so it’s only a matter of time.
3. Get poop on your hands
There’s no way to avoid this, you’re bound to get poop on your hands. If you’re super lucky, you may even get poop flung at your face. It will gross you out the first few times, you’ll wipe it off and move on. Then eventually you’ll just think, “yup, poop is my life now…”.
4. Happily pick earwax
When I see an adult with earwax, I usually gag in my mouth. When I see my child’s earwax, I think it’s adorable and happily pick it out with my fingers.
5. Bite your baby’s fingernails
The fear of chopping off your child’s fingernails with the deadly nail clippers will make you resort to peeling or biting at their nails. You’ll feel like you’ve just climbed Everest once you’ve successfully trimmed their nails without causing a bloodbath.
6. Shove something up their butt
Since you can’t exactly give your constipated child a Fiber One bar, you will stick something up their butt to help them poop. I’m still waiting for the day this doesn’t gross me out, but it’s a necessary evil.
7. Get peed on
At least pee is warm right?
8. Suck snot and feel accomplished
Snot suckers are magical things, which help your baby feel less congested…but let’s be real about what you’re doing, you’re sucking human snot. DON’T FORGET THE FILTER!! I’ve done this, and 100% ate the salty snot…not a pleasant experience.
9. Flash the goods
Let’s be clear, I in no way find breastfeeding gross, but you will be whipping out the ladies and flashing everybody! You won’t give two shits about what other people think, because you’re feeding a human. End of story.
10. Poop, pee, snot, spit, puke…all the good stuff
It’s worth mentioning again, but your life will be about your tiny human’s bodily fluids. Poop on your face? You bet! Puke on your shirt? Of course! You may even find that you’ve slept on your child’s pee because you’re too tired to clean it after a nighttime accident. The moral of the story…you’ll never be truly clean again.